A cackle of Dad's jokes

Dad’s jokes reach a crescendo on Father’s Day.  Father’s Day is celebrated in September in Australia.  A dad joke is defined as a joke that is not funny yet is groan worthy.  I’ve published a collection here that arose across a number of social media posts this last week.  I’ll add further to this list as opportunity arises:

How did the Brady Bunch know about Zoom before all of us?

A woman took her car to the mechanic and stated "It is making a thump thump thump sound". the mechanic responded "you probably need to change a tyre". The woman responded: "I like wearing active wear, how will wearing a dress will fix the car"

I like to say "mucho" amongst Spanish friends. It means a lot to them.

I used to work in a factory making chess pieces. I was on the knight shift.

Can someone please help Cat Stevens with his caravan. His awning is broken.

I’ve made a number of frogs immortal. I removed their vocal chords – now they can’t croak.

I asked I choirmaster if I should sing in his choir. He answered: “Tenor”. I looked puzzled and he then continued his answer: “Ten or Twenty kilometres away”.

If Prince was a Zombie he would have sung about Purple Brains.

AC DC's hit song 'Highway to Hell' is my neighbour's favourite. I had it on full volume the other day and my neighbour liked it so much that he threw a brick through my window so that he could hear it better.

Nothing is built in Australia any more. I bought a television and the box that it was shipped in included the text: "Built in Antenna". I searched my Atlas and can't even find where the country called Antenna is.

At a garage sale I purchased a book titled "How to Hug". Imagine my surprise on arriving home to find that it was the 15th volume of a dictionary. 

Q. How do you get to New York’s Carnegie Hall?

A. Practice

A neighbour just completed a structure on the line dividing our properties.  I found his behaviour o-fence-ive.

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home I found out that all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Who was the smartest man in the Bible? Abraham, because he knew a Lot.

I like shortbread - but they are not making it any longer.


Coming home the other night I observed my child eating a banana skin and all.  I rushed her to the doctor because she was not peeling very well.

Cows have hooves because they lactose.

I flew business class the other day.  It was the worst class I’d ever been to.  I did not learn anything!

Did you hear about the Doctor who got the sack yesterday.  He only performed appendectomies and someone determined he was only working on the side.

What's a pirate's favourite letter? 
You might think it's R, but his true love be the C!

I read in fashion news that there will be no change in men’s pockets this year.

It is okay to love the New Zealand band Crowded House: It is only natural

Why was Boaz angry? Because he was Ruthless.

Police in Nigeria entered a man’s apartment after fearing he had died.  They found US2billion in cash.  It turns out that the man had been trying to give it away but no-one would answers his emails.

Anyone who like meetings should be in charge of nothing.

Boss to me at end of long meeting: “What did you learn in this meeting?”

Me in response: “That I can sleep with my eyes open”.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?

He did not believe that there was a dog.

A giraffe has a very long ….

List of Facebook friends.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.1412 metres long?

A python.

A computer programmer’s wife sent him shopping.  She said “Get me a bottle of milk and if they have eggs get me six”.  He came home with six bottles of milk”.

“I call that a Bob Marley photocopier,  It is always jammin’

“When can you tell that it is cold in Sydney? It is when lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.”

“That British artist wrote a song about Norma Jean changing her name to Monroe Marilyn.  When he chose to call himself Elton John (rather than John Elton) he shouldn’t complain that people mix up other names”

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about this Trump character.  I’m very happy for him to have US residency”

“There was an accident on the M7 this morning.  A Goulburn jail van collided with a concrete truck.  Police are now searching the area looking for twelve hardened prisoners”.

“When my wife gets angry with me during an argument she gets to a point where she is historical” You mean hysterical?  “No, historical, she tells me about everything I have ever done wrong”.

“My wife and I have been married 25 years.  We’ve just accumulated 10 years of good marriage.  10 minutes here, 20 minutes there”.

A pirate puts his appointments into a calendarrrrrrrrrr.

How much do pirates pay for earrings? A buccaneer.

Paddy turned to Mick and said “If you can guess how many doughnuts I have in my bag, I’ll let you have them both”

Year 5 was the best three years of my life.

One time in Australia you were sentenced to be hung if you took money out of a bank through a hole in a wall.  Now the banks have worked out how to charge us for this experience.

Did you hear about how the librarian kept slipping over? She was in the non-friction section.

This dad joke dates from the time before flat screen televisions: The other day Bob came over while I was watching a Swans game on television. My wife opened the door to Bob. As he entered the room Bob asked: "What is on television?". I responded, "Don't be silly Bob, it is a pot plant"

I was going to be a fortune-teller, but I couldn't see any future in it.

Why is the ocean wet? Because the sea weed.

Why will you never go hungry at the beach? Because of the sand which is there.

Where did Abraham come from?
[Person answering]: Er
That's right Abraham come from Ur.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it....

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

I ordered a chicken and egg online. I'll let you know.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles UCLA.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

A short psychic committed a crime and escaped police custody. So, now there is a small medium at large.

I went to the pizza shop on a day when they had a buy-a-large-get-a-medium-free promotion. I had to let the medium go as he was only good for channeling my great aunt.

Why were caveman so poor at solving arguments? Because paper and scissors had not been invented (rock, paper, scissors).

What do you call a factory that makes products that are just okay? A satisfactory.

A salesman keeps trying to sell me a casket. I told him it was the last thing I need.

Having been married 33 years it has been a long time since I’ve seen a stripper. But, oh boy, you should have seen the one that I eyeballed last weekend in Bunnings aisle 8, the paint section.

Speaking of Bunnings, every time I go there, I purchase brake fluid. I’m addicted to it, yet I can stop any time I want.

And as to paint, I am no artist, yet when my daughter is not home from a date at 2am I quickly draw to conclusions.

Shalom,

Ozhamada


Note: in its own little way this linked post is also a dad joke