A cackle of Dad's jokes

Dad’s jokes reach a crescendo on Father’s Day.  Father’s Day is celebrated in September in Australia.  A dad joke is defined as a joke that is not funny yet is groan worthy.  I’ve published a collection here that arose across a number of social media posts this last week.  I’ll add further to this list as opportunity arises:

How did the Brady Bunch know about Zoom before all of us?

A woman took her car to the mechanic and stated "It is making a thump thump thump sound". the mechanic responded "you probably need to change a tyre". The woman responded: "I like wearing active wear, how will wearing a dress will fix the car"

I like to say "mucho" amongst Spanish friends. It means a lot to them.

I used to work in a factory making chess pieces. I was on the knight shift.

Can someone please help Cat Stevens with his caravan. His awning is broken.

I’ve made a number of frogs immortal. I removed their vocal chords – now they can’t croak.

I asked I choirmaster if I should sing in his choir. He answered: “Tenor”. I looked puzzled and he then continued his answer: “Ten or Twenty kilometres away”.

If Prince was a Zombie he would have sung about Purple Brains.

AC DC's hit song 'Highway to Hell' is my neighbour's favourite. I had it on full volume the other day and my neighbour liked it so much that he threw a brick through my window so that he could hear it better.

Nothing is built in Australia any more. I bought a television and the box that it was shipped in included the text: "Built in Antenna". I searched my Atlas and can't even find where the country called Antenna is.

At a garage sale I purchased a book titled "How to Hug". Imagine my surprise on arriving home to find that it was the 15th volume of a dictionary. 

Q. How do you get to New York’s Carnegie Hall?

A. Practice

A neighbour just completed a structure on the line dividing our properties.  I found his behaviour o-fence-ive.

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home I found out that all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Who was the smartest man in the Bible? Abraham, because he knew a Lot.

I like shortbread - but they are not making it any longer.


Coming home the other night I observed my child eating a banana skin and all.  I rushed her to the doctor because she was not peeling very well.

Cows have hooves because they lactose.

I flew business class the other day.  It was the worst class I’d ever been to.  I did not learn anything!

Did you hear about the Doctor who got the sack yesterday.  He only performed appendectomies and someone determined he was only working on the side.

What's a pirate's favourite letter? 
You might think it's R, but his true love be the C!

I read in fashion news that there will be no change in men’s pockets this year.

It is okay to love the New Zealand band Crowded House: It is only natural

Why was Boaz angry? Because he was Ruthless.

Police in Nigeria entered a man’s apartment after fearing he had died.  They found US2billion in cash.  It turns out that the man had been trying to give it away but no-one would answers his emails.

Anyone who like meetings should be in charge of nothing.

Boss to me at end of long meeting: “What did you learn in this meeting?”

Me in response: “That I can sleep with my eyes open”.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?

He did not believe that there was a dog.

A giraffe has a very long ….

List of Facebook friends.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.1412 metres long?

A python.

A computer programmer’s wife sent him shopping.  She said “Get me a bottle of milk and if they have eggs get me six”.  He came home with six bottles of milk”.

“I call that a Bob Marley photocopier,  It is always jammin’

“When can you tell that it is cold in Sydney? It is when lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.”

“That British artist wrote a song about Norma Jean changing her name to Monroe Marilyn.  When he chose to call himself Elton John (rather than John Elton) he shouldn’t complain that people mix up other names”

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about this Trump character.  I’m very happy for him to have US residency”

“There was an accident on the M7 this morning.  A Goulburn jail van collided with a concrete truck.  Police are now searching the area looking for twelve hardened prisoners”.

“When my wife gets angry with me during an argument she gets to a point where she is historical” You mean hysterical?  “No, historical, she tells me about everything I have ever done wrong”.

“My wife and I have been married 25 years.  We’ve just accumulated 10 years of good marriage.  10 minutes here, 20 minutes there”.

A pirate puts his appointments into a calendarrrrrrrrrr.

How much do pirates pay for earrings? A buccaneer.

Paddy turned to Mick and said “If you can guess how many doughnuts I have in my bag, I’ll let you have them both”

Year 5 was the best three years of my life.

One time in Australia you were sentenced to be hung if you took money out of a bank through a hole in a wall.  Now the banks have worked out how to charge us for this experience.

Did you hear about how the librarian kept slipping over? She was in the non-friction section.

This dad joke dates from the time before flat screen televisions: The other day Bob came over while I was watching a Swans game on television. My wife opened the door to Bob. As he entered the room Bob asked: "What is on television?". I responded, "Don't be silly Bob, it is a pot plant"

I was going to be a fortune-teller, but I couldn't see any future in it.

Why is the ocean wet? Because the sea weed.

Why will you never go hungry at the beach? Because of the sand which is there.

Where did Abraham come from?
[Person answering]: Er
That's right Abraham come from Ur.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it....

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

I ordered a chicken and egg online. I'll let you know.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles UCLA.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

A short psychic committed a crime and escaped police custody. So, now there is a small medium at large.

I went to the pizza shop on a day when they had a buy-a-large-get-a-medium-free promotion. I had to let the medium go as he was only good for channeling my great aunt.

Why were caveman so poor at solving arguments? Because paper and scissors had not been invented (rock, paper, scissors).

What do you call a factory that makes products that are just okay? A satisfactory.

A salesman keeps trying to sell me a casket. I told him it was the last thing I need.

Having been married 33 years it has been a long time since I’ve seen a stripper. But, oh boy, you should have seen the one that I eyeballed last weekend in Bunnings aisle 8, the paint section.

Speaking of Bunnings, every time I go there, I purchase brake fluid. I’m addicted to it, yet I can stop any time I want.

And as to paint, I am no artist, yet when my daughter is not home from a date at 2am I quickly draw to conclusions.

Shalom,

Ozhamada


Note: in its own little way this linked post is also a dad joke

Who was the most ignorant American you have ever met?

An Answer provided on Quora to the question "Who was the most ignorant American you have ever met?

Answered 6h ago

I'm generalizing to open so as to set the context:

Australians, perhaps like other countries, stereotypically consider American tourists in Australia as loud and slightly obnoxious. At Australian tourist attractions you see the Americans spending more time looking through a camera view-finder than absorbing the ambience.

Rainbow lorikeet

Now to the setting:

To the west of Sydney, Australia is a mountain range that runs to a North South alignment from the southern tip of the continent through to the northern tip of the continent. It is called the Great Dividing Range. The part of the Great Dividing Range immediately west of Sydney is called the Blue Mountains. It is called the Blue Mountains as the trees release oil on extremely hot days and the oil creates a blue haze from a distance.

Within the Blue Mountains there is a popular tourist attraction called the Three Sisters. The Three Sisters are three outcrops of sandstone rocks. They are named the Three Sisters from an indigenous Australian story about three sisters that were turned into stone. Tourists view the Three Sisters from a series of platforms. There is a drop from the platforms to a valley floor. I image the drop exceeds 300 feet (think Grand Canyon but with a carpet of green tree tops as far as the eye can see).

At the Three Sisters is a tourist information center that is perched out onto the drop to the valley floor. The tourist information center has broad windows that give a scenic view of the valley. Tall trees tower up to the height of the windows.

In the Blue Mountains there are many varieties of Australian Native birds. This includes many parrots, galahs, cockatoos, kookaburras, lorikeets, rosellas and more. Many of these birds have very colorful plumage with bright oranges, reds and yellows common. The birds tend not to be too shy of humans.

The tourist information center includes bird feeders that sit out beyond the windows. The staff fill the feeders with seed each morning. I remember there being four of these feeders and each could fit about ten birds at a time.

Now to the scene:

I stood at the window of the tourist information center one day to watch the birds. I quickly counted eighteen different species amongst the birds that were freely coming and going and concluded that there was probably more species than I had counted. My mind was to how there was probably up to one hundred birds in the immediate vicinity. The wild birds could freely come and go and like most Australian native birds they fed at a number of locations on any given day.

So, I hope you have got that - the birds were numerous and they were freely coming and going from the bird feeders.

An American woman arrived beside me. She was wearing a fresh t-shirt that had a popular Sydney logo on the front which told me that she was probably only just off an airplane the previous day. She bustled in and quickly took about ten photographs of the birds. She possibly did not look beyond the birds to view the valley. As her husband joined her they both stopped to take in the bird feeders and the comings-and-goings of the numerous colorful species. She then turned to go as rushed as she had come. Before leaving she made a pronouncement at volume that everyone in the tourist information center heard:

"These Australians are so stupid, they should put those birds in a cage."

Book review: The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Philip Yancey in a book; Soul Survivor, How my Faith Survived the Church, identifies how reading can sometimes deliver a message powerfully.  In reading some Christian titles Yancey recalls how:

"I felt the power that allows one human mind to penetrate another with no intermediary but a piece of flattened wood pulp.  I saw that writing could seep into crevices, bringing spiritual oxygen to people trapped in air-tight boxes". page 7, 2001, paperback. 

In reading The Cost of Discipleship I have experienced that power.  Bonhoeffer speaks wonderfully across the Christian communion.  Bonhoeffer is as relevant today as when he was writing the book in the 1930s.

Bonhoeffer’s book The Cost of Discipleship stands out in two ways.  Firstly, in the opening chapter; Costly Grace, and, secondly in the extended consideration of the Sermon on the Mount. 

Bonhoeffer is at his most ardent in the book’s opening chapter.  Bonhoeffer is making a passionate plea to the church.  He begs the church to take great care.  The church need ensure that God’s grace is dispensed respectfully.  At risk, is a cheap dispensation of the grace – preaching of God’s forgiveness where the hearer is not obliged to repentance.  Bonhoeffer’s warning is to the church yet the warning has application to people who hear the church’s message. 

The hearer need understand that offer of grace requires a response of the hearer.  It is in this way that grace is costly grace.  The hearer should respond with a genuine change of heart.  A person who has such a change of heart will willingly be yoked to Jesus as a follower.  Once yoked to Jesus the hearer willingly serves as a disciple in fulfilment of the ongoing mission of Christ’s people in the world.

Bonhoeffer’s extended consideration of the Sermon on the Mount – from the Gospel of Matthew – is a very worthy read.  Bonhoeffer identifies how Jesus employs the sermon as a way of heralding in his kingdom.  Perhaps, the heralding of the kingdom is exhibited best in Bonhoeffer consideration of a single verse – from Matthew 5:4:

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” 

Matthew 5:4 NIV

Bonhoeffer identifies that it is the disciples who will mourn the world and the ways of the world.  The disciples will mourn as they know that much more awaits the disciples in their eternal lives.  The disciples will also mourn because not everyone will heed God’s call to a repentant life.  They will mourn in yearning, as God does, for all men to be part of Christ’s kingdom.  And, in their mourning God will provide them their joyous eternal comfort.

 

I encourage you to read The Cost of Discipleship.  If pressed for time please consider reaching for the book to read just its first powerful chapter.  It may change your life!

 

Shalom, Ozhamada

The sun buckled pavers

On a Lane Cove day that reached 39 degrees Celsius buckling of paving and drainage grate materials was noticed.  The day was the second of similar temperature.  The buckling occurred on the Epping Road bridge crossing Stringybark Creek.  In particular the observation was on the western side of the road (or the Epping bound side of the road).  For an image of the location observe this Google Map image of expansion joint.

 

Here is a photograph of the expansion joint.  

 

The expansion joint was effectively closed.  The expansion joint at the other side of the bridge - the city bound side - was also effectively closed.  The difference between the gap in this photograph and the one in the Google Map is probably about 50 millimetres.  Therefore, the bridge has probably expanded by 100 millimetres.  One presumes that the Google Map image was taken on a cooler day.  The Google Map image is dated to November 2016.  November 2016 average temperature for Lane Cove was 24 degree Celsius.

A drainage grate that was set within the pavement adjoining the road:



and pavers had also lifted:

A bicycle path runs through the area of the lifted drainage grate.  Indeed, the grate marks the distinction between the Epping bound cycle lane and the City bound cycle lane.  Take care if cycling by!


Shalom,

Ozhamada

 

Note: Links good as at 11 November 2017.  I took these photographs on route to a bush food foraging experience.  See this linked post.

Church playing games

“All of us have witnessed some pretty amazingly ridiculous interpretations of Scripture, undertaken by well-meaning folk who are not much used to disciplined reading of any texts. When biblical scholars engage in the same game, of course, our tools are much more sophisticated. But make no mistake: many of us really do continue to play the game.” 

The Trials of Biblical Interpretation – Don Carson

The church is playing the game that Carson speaks of.  It is playing the game in respect to homosexuality. 

It is playing the game in disciplining itself – not, humbly, to the identity of Christ – but, pretentiously, to individuals who custom their identity on sexuality.  It is playing the game by splitting hairs as to the Bible’s whole canonical message of homosexuality.  The splitting – as if such a split was merited at all – is of bad homosexuality; promiscuity - from good homosexuality; celibate same sex attraction.  [And the church knows that tacitly it is supporting promiscuity if it first supports celibate same sex attraction].

The game playing church will one day tragedise the game so that bad homosexuality is not bad any more.  Indeed, the church, in parts, has already made that leap. 

“We’ve attained the game’s topmost prize”, they say, 

“come see our openly homosexual clergy”.  

It is an insidious game with Orwellian tones.  Just as the Ninety-Eighty-Four novel had identified catchphrases such as “War is Peace” and “Freedom is Slavery”, the game has catchphrases such as “to endure we must be more inclusive”.

It is a lazy game because it adopts a worldly air in recognising that homosexuals number in most congregant’s families (‘best not offend’).  It is a laconic game because it is resigned to the Australian Government’s broadening of the legal definition of marriage.  It is a cagey game as the church has had failed attempts at homosexual restorative therapies and other such practices (‘pray the gay away’).

It is a devolution game as the church is playing the hand of the cultural Marxists and/or the libertarians and/or the humanists – the church first having failed to educate congregants to the artifices of such worldly influences.

It is a treacherous game that only serves to make the church more like the world.  It is a game of despicable betrayal as the church snubs those that built up the church in favour of those who, once brought into the fold, will only aid the church in its demise.  It is the cheap grace as identified by Bonhoeffer – the church selling grace on the market “like cheapjack’s wares”.

It is a deplorable game as the church should stand and plea homosexuality be seen for what it is. 

And homosexuality; in all its forms, is sin.

"I thought of a rather cruel trick I once played on a wasp. He was sucking jam on my plate, and I cut him in half. He paid no attention, merely went on with his meal, while a tiny stream of jam tricked out of his oesophagus. Only when he tried to fly away did he grasp the dreadful thing that had happened to him. It is the same with modern man. The thing that has been cut away is his soul."

George Orwell

Shalom,

Ozhamada

Note 1: This is intentionally written as "elder brother".  It is written as a foil to those with liberal views.  It is not intended to be pastoral.  We are caught between the truth and the relative truth - these are the times. Approach Christ with open palms, not clenched fists.

Note 2: All links good as at 18 October 2016

Note 3: Here is a wonderful link to a story of redemption. The beauty of this story is that the women's emergence from homosexuality came from in-depth absorption of the Bible. 

Book review Chic-lit

Book review, Conditioned to Death, by C. K. Cambray

It was a rare moment that drove me to chick-lit.  This piece of chick-lit was in a special genre all of its own as it also serves as a murder mystery.

The protagonist, Dawn Gray, is a co-owner of a downtown U.S. health club.  Two accidental deaths within the club premises are quickly followed by three murders.  Along the way Dawn is threatened with death, subject to violence and proposed offers of ownership buy-out.  Dawn’s paramour count accumulates as fast as the death rate.  One-by-one the paramours met every possible variety: the wealthy one, the skinny Buddhist influenced masseur, and the giant body builder.

By about three quarters of the way through the book I was compelled to keep reading only to know who copped it first.  Would the health club fail from the steady departure of members who feared for their own lives amidst the murders?  Would Dawn finally meet the perfect man and sail off into the sunset? Would the hulk of the body builder crack the skinny masseur’s skull?  Then there was the plod, who seemingly followed every lead yet never found a culprit.  Would the lieutenant reach a solution by the end of the book?

Dawn, with her multiple romances, her suspect-everyone-mind, and her perfect-gym-toned-body-but-poor-business-acumen struck me as an impeccable Trump voter.  She certainly would have voted to Brexit.

The book was published in 1992, the year that U.S. President George H. W. Bush fell violently ill at a state dinner in Japan.  It was the year that U.S.Vice President Dan Quayle erroneously corrects a student's spelling of the word potato, indicating it should have an e at the end.  In amongst such monumental events, the suffering of a fictional U.S. health club would hardly have caused a ripple.

Shalom,

Ozhamada

All links good 30 June 2016

Make a friend of a weed Purslane

Everyone seems to be talking about the Paleo Diet.  They are even sharing Paleo Diet jokes:

"I'm on the Paleo Diet, it is just that I'm the caveman who
 discovered Snickers Bars"

"How do you know if someone east Paleo? Don't worry they will tell you."

Warrigal greens (top) and cooked purslane

One thing you do learn from Paleo Diet is that where man once ate Omega 3 fatty acids in a ratio of 1:1 with Omega 6 fatty acids, the ratio is now something like 1:40.  That's a lot of Omega 6 at the expense of Omega 3.

Okay, so where do you get Omega 3s so you can balance your diet?  A weed, which is probably growing in your backyard, or within walking distance of your home, contains more Omega 3 fatty acids than any other known plant in the universe.  The weed is called purslane.

Huge patch of purslane found at Albury airport

For those in Sydney, purslane can be found on a handy wild food map.  I used the map to locate purslane in Bella Vista.

At Bella Vista purslane was happily growing in red chip bark.

While the stems are edible I choose to simply strip the leaves. I steep these in boiling water for three minutes before rinsing with cold water. Drain water before serving. By steeping them you remove excessive oxalic acid. I then serve them with a stir fry giving those at the table the option to sprinkle some of the purslane over their stir fry.   Pick purslane after noon as the plant generates an acid - malic acid - overnight to help kickstart the photosynthesis process in the morning.  By noon the malic acid is used up. Malic acid gives a sour taste.  If you have ever eaten sour lollies, like sour worms, then you've had malic acid.

Immediately near this location is the Woolworths Headquarters. Picking purslane from outside their office puts a new meaning to their marketing tagline "Fresh food people".

When picking weeds ensure that the weed:

1. Has not been sprayed with weed killer.
2. Is not subject to people or animal traffic of faecas.
3. Is free of any insect invasion.

There are a list of nutritional benefits of purslane listed on this link.  Purslane has been used in treating Multiple Sclerosis.

Shalom,
Ozhamada

P.S. there is one Sydney greengrocer that sells purslane.  Chooks love purslane and the Omega 3 passes through to their eggs.  I has been observed that chooks let loose on a new paddock will flock to purslane before any other food.  I've received fantastic feedback on this post including an understanding that Purslane is available in Cabramatta markets and that Chinese people consume it both for its digestive benefits and in addition as a medicine.

All links up-to-date at 25 February 2016

#foraging #wildfood